Are You Suffering Wrong?

There are three basic approaches to suffering: adapt, avoid, endure.

To adapt is to change in response to something that goes wrong. It is extroversion, the growth mindset, no pain no gain. It often involves intentionally exposing yourself to suffering (or at the very least, not avoiding it) so that you can grow and win.

To avoid is the opposite of adapt. The best pain is the pain that you don’t experience, but avoidance is neurotic and depressing. It often looks the most like suffering. Complaining is avoidance, crying for help is avoidance. Generally, expressing suffering is a tactic to help you avoid suffering. Sometimes even failing is an avoidance strategy. For example, in my former life as a former teacher I saw many students purposefully avoid putting in any effort so that they did not have to confront their inability. It’s not the effort they were avoiding, it was the humiliation.

To endure is a synthesis of adaptation and avoidance. It is a form of adaptation because it involves change, namely desensitization. When we suffer, we gain a little more tolerance for suffering. But this kind of adaptation is also a form of avoidance because when we gain tolerance we suffer less.

Sometimes we have a choice about how we deal with suffering. And when we have a choice, we can make the wrong choice. So how should we decide which choice to make?

We should adapt when there is something to be gained. It should be evaluated like an investment. What is the present cost, and what is the future benefit? It is a mistake to take on suffering when there is no prize.

We should avoid when there is nothing to be gained. But one thing to consider is that avoidance strategies also come at a cost. Help is not free. It is a mistake to avoid suffering when the cost of the avoidance outweighs the suffering itself (or when we miss out on a valuable opportunity).

We should endure as a last resort — when there is nothing to be gained but no way to avoid. It is a mistake to endure when we could profitably adapt or easily avoid.

So when you suffer, ask yourself two questions:

1. Will this suffering help me learn or grow in a way that will result in success?

2. What is the cost of avoidance?

If there is nothing to be gained and avoidance is too costly, then you must endure. But remember that endurance is silent and invisible. If others can detect your suffering, you are imposing a cost on them. This is useful if you are employing an avoidance strategy, but it is not useful for endurance and it will impede your natural desensitization process.